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I thought I was rebuilding my relationship with my father after he invited us to stay with him and his wife.\u00a0<\/p>\n
We\u2019d been estranged for a number of years, during which time I\u2019d got married and had a three-year-old son.\u00a0<\/p>\n
As well as wanting to reconnect with my father, I also wanted my family to get to know him \u2013 especially my son Jake*. His grandson.<\/p>\n
I was hopeful.<\/p>\n
Except, shortly after arriving, my son wanted to watch cartoons \u2013 my father declined as he wanted to watch the news. I asked him again, given that the cartoons were my son\u2019s favourites. This was a mistake.\u00a0<\/p>\n
My father stormed out.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Shortly afterwards, he returned and said he wanted us to leave. \u2018Here we go again,\u2019 I thought.\u00a0<\/p>\n
That was the catalyst to trying to protect my children from his unpredictable behaviour and moods.\u00a0<\/p>\n
My relationship with my dad has always been a difficult one. In fact, the patterns of estrangement in my family go back to his mother, my grandmother.<\/p>\n
She picked favourites amongst us, while some members of the family had the misfortune of being permanently out of favour with her \u2013 for reasons that weren\u2019t entirely clear.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was one of them.<\/p>\n
My father evidently picked up on his mother\u2019s disdain for me, and, as a result, my relationship with him growing up was cold and distant. I can\u2019t say that I felt overly troubled \u2013 it was just the way things were.<\/p>\n
My mother was a calming, behaviour-regulating influence on my father. We had a good relationship when I was a child. Although she wouldn\u2019t step in to defend me, she did behave more rationally than him.<\/p>\n
But during my time at university, their marriage ended. I moved back home after finishing my studies to find my mother had been replaced in the house by my father\u2019s new wife, Susan*, a forceful, domineering woman.<\/p>\n
The inevitable blow-up came just two weeks after I moved back home.<\/p>\n
My father and Susan had been renting out my room to students while I was away, and one day I received a call from the placement agency asking if there was availability. I replied that I thought not, given that I\u2019d moved back, but that they should call again and speak to my father.<\/p>\n
When I mentioned the call to them, Susan hit the roof. \u2018Who are you to decide what happens in my house?\u2019 she demanded.<\/p>\n
I replied that I\u2019d decided nothing, but to no avail.<\/p>\n
My father told me that my stay with them was over and I had to leave. As I\u2019d only just finished university and didn\u2019t have a job, he told me that he\u2019d pay for me to stay in a hotel for one week.\u00a0<\/p>\n
After that, I was on my own.<\/p>\n
As I packed the same suitcases I\u2019d only just unpacked, I was neither upset nor surprised. It wasn\u2019t as if I\u2019d ever felt valued by him.<\/p>\n
My mother had moved in with her sister, so staying there wasn\u2019t an option. Fortunately, I accepted a job offer days later and was able to afford to rent a studio.<\/p>\n
For the next six years, I had no contact with my father. It suited me just fine.<\/p>\n
I tried to reconcile with him, but he wasn\u2019t interested. He was still my father, after all \u2013 and I believed that a major factor in our split had been Susan.<\/p>\n
By the time he did contact me, I was married with a three-year-old.<\/p>\n
My father suggested that he\u2019d visit us \u2013 without Susan, and I was very relieved. Hopeful.<\/p>\n
He was friendly and jovial, without drama. Dad can be very personable when he wants to be, and both my wife and son liked him.\u00a0<\/p>\n
We both kept the conversation light, avoiding any contentious subjects. Because it went well, we agreed that we\u2019d visit him and Susan for a weekend.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was apprehensive about being around Susan but, given how excited my father seemed at having us stay, I thought it\u2019d go well.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Yet, once again, I was kicked out of his house. This time, with my family in tow.\u00a0<\/p>\n
The weekend visit was over as quickly as it\u2019d started \u2013 the sense of d\u00e9j\u00e0 vu palpable. Just like before, I didn\u2019t feel overly upset. Nor did I feel embarrassed. It was more a case of shrugging it off with: \u2018Well\u2026 that\u2019s my father,\u2019 and moving on.\u00a0<\/p>\n
He called us \u2018pathetic\u2019 and told us to never contact him again<\/p>\n
In the back of my mind, though, the notion that I would possibly need to take steps in the future to protect my child had been seeded.<\/p>\n
Sporadic phone and in-person contact continued for the next few years. Whenever he got in touch after periods of estrangement, the gaps were either glossed over as, \u2018We seem to have lost touch\u2019, or not addressed at all. He never apologised.<\/p>\n
By the time my son was 12, my wife and I had had two daughters, then two and four. My father and Susan phoned us on Christmas Day, speaking to each of the children.<\/p>\n
Soon, I received an email from them.<\/p>\n
Your son said almost nothing on the phone and your youngest daughter is now two \u2013 she should be more than capable of having a conversation with us, but would not.<\/em><\/p>\n They told me this was unacceptable, that the children clearly didn\u2019t care about or value them and that they didn\u2019t want to hear from us again.<\/p>\n My father\u2019s offensive manner towards me personally is like water off a duck\u2019s back. However, this was an attack on my children and, as ridiculous and absurd as their complaint was, it\u2019d gone too far. I felt disappointed that my father could cut off his grandchildren just like that. He didn\u2019t deserve them.<\/p>\n Naturally, we didn\u2019t tell the children what\u2019d happened \u2013 part of our job was to protect them from this lunacy. Indeed, when the children asked us over the years why they\u2019d heard nothing from Grandad and Susan, we simply said: \u2018Sometimes they\u2019re in touch with us, sometimes they aren\u2019t,\u2019 and left it.<\/p>\n Then, after five years, completely out of the blue, I received an email from my father that said that they\u2019d like to be in contact with the children again.<\/p>\n Warily, I replied that they could be in indirect contact with them \u2013 no phone calls, only letters and emails. I decided to allow it because I believe that family relationships are to be preserved where possible.\u00a0<\/p>\n Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media. <\/strong><\/p>\n Find some of our best reads of the week below:<\/p>\n An anonymous writer shares the moment that he realised he was groomed as a 14-year-old by a man in his 30s. <\/p>\n Metro.co.uk’s Josie Copson paid tribute to Wilko, a trip to which accompanied all of her life milestones. <\/p>\n Lowri Llewelyn was attacked while travelling solo through Scotland. She credits a stranger she met at her hostel the day before with saving her life. <\/p>\n And Heidi Crowter describes her perfect first date to her now-husband, James. The couple, who both have Down’s syndrome, instantly realised the other was their soulmate. <\/p>\n And since I don\u2019t own the relationships that my children have with others, they\u2019re not mine to take away.\u00a0<\/p>\n I wanted my children to have positive interactions with my father. But, at the same time, I also needed to filter out the damaging behaviour.\u00a0<\/p>\n Very sporadic contact was established \u2013 they\u2019d send the children occasional emails, and sometimes presents at Christmas and on birthdays.\u00a0<\/p>\n A couple of years passed, and the inevitable blow-up occurred.\u00a0<\/p>\n My father had contacted Jake by email and Jake, then being a 20-year-old university student with assignments, an active social life and a girlfriend, didn\u2019t reply immediately.<\/p>\n My father hit the roof, telling me that he was cutting off all contact with him. Jake wasn\u2019t hurt by it, and just thought it was extremely bizarre behaviour. I told my father, once and for all, that his behaviour towards my children was unacceptable.\u00a0<\/p>\n My response angered my father greatly, and he then cut contact with the rest of us, though we had nothing to do with it.<\/p>\n He called us \u2018pathetic\u2019 and told us to never contact him again.<\/p>\n It\u2019s been just over a year since then, and we\u2019ve just received yet another email from them asking to reestablish contact with the girls \u2013 but not me, my wife or Jake.\u00a0<\/p>\n My answer to him was, as usual, that they can have indirect contact only. I don\u2019t want to deprive my children of a relationship with their grandfather but I also don\u2019t want them hurt by him.<\/p>\n As for my own relationship with my father, I see no evidence that he\u2019s willing to change his ways or that he even recognises his behaviour as abnormal.\u00a0<\/p>\n I personally don\u2019t have any intention of going through yet another reconciliation with him when it\u2019s almost certain that he\u2019d repeat the pattern.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m just not interested.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t change my father, but I can at least protect my children from him.<\/p>\n<\/i>More from Platform<\/h2>\n