Meghan Markle has gone from being a breath of fresh air for the Royals to the wicked witch
28th December 2018

She went out once while not ­wearing tights and many people jumped up and down with glee, ­saying this was a ­radical departure for the royals.

Then she turned up at a party wearing burgundy nail polish. And everyone who noticed immediately fainted with joy.

“Yes!” they squeaked. “She is someone the Royal Family needs — a black, American, Roman Catholic divorcee with bare legs, racy fingernails and healthy views on feminism!”

There was even a suggestion that if you looked carefully on the internet, you could find a picture of her wearing no top. Brilliant.

But then, after about seven minutes, everyone suddenly decided she’s actually a witch.


First came news she’d complained about the smell in the church where she was married.

And that she’d gone out in public with a price tag still attached to her frock.

And that she was bossing Prince Harry about and having arguments with her sister-in-law.

When a ­couple of members of her staff announced they were leaving, everyone knew for sure this was because she is a terrible woman who sits in her kitchen every night hitting puppies over the head with a shovel.

And all the time, we had her ridiculous father cropping up on every TV show to say he loves her and is so sad he wasn’t at the wedding and even more unhappy that she never responds to his texts.

Which, translated from media-speak, means: “I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! And can I have a bit of money, please?”

At this rate, it won’t be long before she is stripped and forced to walk naked through the streets of York while ­people with skin diseases chant “Shame!” and throw excrement at her.

I can’t understand why this is happening. You don’t know her. I don’t know her.

So why have we all ­suddenly decided she should be mocked and pilloried for every ­little thing she ever does?

When all is said and done, she is just a very pretty girl who’s married a former Army officer who will never, ever be king.

As a result, she will have less impact on your life than your postman’s wife.

You don’t hate her. So why on earth should you hate Meghan?

It’s ridiculous, cruel and heartless — and unless she proves me wrong by going around at night urinating on homeless people, it needs to stop.

Santa’s Z-listers

Anyone who’s been paying any kind of attention over the last few days will have noticed that every single celebrity is currently on a sun-kissed beach with their bikini bottoms shoved halfway up their a**e.

I don’t get this. Christmas, New Year’s Eve and the “festive gooch” – as my son calls it – in between is a brilliant time to be at home.

Long, lazy days in front of the television, great food and endless trips to the pub, all garnished with a veneer of friends and family. It’s brilliant.

And I suppose if you think about it, it’s even better when you know that when you go to the supermarket, you’re not going to bump into a reality TV “star”. Because, like Lauryn Goodman, they’re all in Barbados.

What Price a new face?

Katie Price has decided the best way to deal with her money ­worries and the possibility she might lose her driving licence is to . . . drum roll . . . have a face lift.

I fear this may be a mistake because in my experience, anyone who has their face moved about by a surgeon always looks worse afterwards.

What’s she done? Looked at a picture of Barry Manilow and thought, ‘Yes, that’s worked a treat’?

Penguin plan in a pickle

Over the last few years, the fish that used to swim about off the coast of southern Africa have all decided to move further south.

This has meant the number of fish-eating penguins on local beaches has fallen from more than a million to just 15,000.

Needless to say, local eco-mentals have decided they can address this – so they’ve built decoy penguins and are bombarding the beaches with lots of penguin squawking and squeaking.

It’s hoped real penguins will be fooled into thinking there’s a huge colony there and will come back.
Where, because there are no fish, they will starve to death.

You’ve got to admire the ecos for their efforts. But sometimes you can’t help thinking the world would be a better place if they just left it alone.

Fracking ban due a shake-up

As we know, there is enough gas under the hills of Lancashire to keep everyone in Britain warm for about 1,000 years.

There is also the technology to get it out.

And there’s good reason, too. Because if we are producing our own gas, we aren’t reliant on Russia for supplies.

However, the fracking industry is held back by legislation saying if they cause an earthquake measuring 0.5 on the Richter scale, they must suspend all operations for the next two days.
And if you want to know what an earthquake measuring 0.5 feels like, it’s simple.

Find a hardback dictionary. And drop it on the floor.

Slur’s a Brigitte too far

The president of France’s wife, Brigitte Macron, is in trouble with the nation’s gays after posing for a picture with a man who is known to be rabidly homophobic.

So Mrs Macron doesn’t like gay men.
Really?

Any sign of a bacon butty?

A pub manager who put up a sign in his window saying “NO VEGANS” has been slammed by vegetable enthusiasts who have climbed on to the discrimination bandwagon, saying it’s a hate crime.

No it isn’t. If you choose to spend your life eating seeds and licking rocks for moisture, you are obviously mad.

And no pub manager wants a raving lunatic rampaging around in the saloon.

I have a sign on my front door saying: “NO COLD-CALLERS.”

Yes, this means I’m discriminating against door-to-door salesman.

But I really don’t fancy heaving myself out of my armchair every night to be faced with a gurning imbecile who wants to sell me a rug.

Any port in a storm

I’m delighted to say that at no point over Christmas did my family bring up the subject of Brexit.

This is because we were all far too busy talking about the two days of chaos at Gatwick Airport.

And we all decided that by far the most likely scenario is there were no drones at all.

It was just a lot of people in high-visibility jackets saying, “I’ve just seen another one,” so they could have a day off work to do a bit of extra ­Christmas shopping.

Almighty is out of favour

Oh dear. It seems only 29 per cent of British people believe in God.

That seems very low . . . until you remember that only 27 per cent believe in Jeremy Corbyn.

Not such a cunning plan

Worrying news from the front line. It seems Britain’s ports are seeing a huge rise in the number of clean, untraceable guns coming into the country.

This is obviously something the police must take very seriously.

But sadly, they were told this week that if Labour gets into power, they should use all their resources to catch people fox-hunting.

Sometimes you just want to give up.

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