I had a baby by my lover on purpose but he dumped me — now I fear hubby will work it all out
7th December 2018

My husband works for an IT company and we met when I started work there as a receptionist. He swept me off my feet and we married within six months of meeting.

That was five years ago. He’s now 42 and I’m 28. He’s a kind man with a secure future but he’s not into sex at all.

When we did it, he’d leave me feeling frustrated. We’d have his scheduled sex every Sunday and it didn’t last.

He was on a week’s work trip abroad when a new guy started calling in because his company was negotiating a contract with ours. He’d sit in reception and chat to me and I eventually found the courage to ask him out for a drink.

That drink turned into a long weekend of more sex than I’d had with my husband the whole time we were married.

This guy is 35, experienced and he knew exactly what would make me feel good.

I was on the up from then on. This man cared for me, took me to the best restaurants and was the most incredible lover.

My husband came home but dropped his sexual “batting average” to an all-time low — once every three months. He said even that was just for my sake.

I thought my lover would want to be with me permanently if I had his child. I came off the Pill while my husband went to work abroad for three months.

I thought it was an ideal time to get pregnant — but didn’t tell my lover my plan. I had a positive test within weeks but he was shocked when I told him.

He walked out and I’ve never seen him again. Luckily my husband believes the baby is his. She is three months old now and of course I know she’s my ex-lover’s.

It’s like a ticking clock waiting for my husband to realise she can’t possibly be his when we were having so little sex.


My e-leaflet Manhood Too Large explains self-help tactics.

For a copy email [email protected] or private message me on my DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.

DEIDRE SAYS: If it is so obvious then I suspect he has an idea but doesn’t want to rock the boat. He probably feels awkward about being an indifferent lover and it may have been a relief to him that you have the baby he presumes you wanted without putting him under pressure.

But secrets about parentage have a nasty habit of coming out when they are likely to cause the most damage. Tell your husband you assume he’s realised he’s not your daughter’s father but you’re very happy he’s decided to raise her as his own child, which she is in every way that matters.

If this throws up difficult issues, my e-leaflet How Counselling Helps explains just that, and you can talk over how you’re going to tell your daughter the truth when she’s old enough.

Talk about your sex life too. Maybe seeing a Relate sex therapist (relate.org.uk) together could transform that.

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