To overshare or not to overshare. That is the question.
Gwyneth Paltrow opted for the former when she appeared on the Call Her Daddy podcast, and spoke candidly about sex with her impressive roster of exes including Brad Pitt, Leonardo Di Caprio and Ben Affleck.
Dishing all the finer details, she revealed who she thinks was more romantic, and who was better in bed. She even played a game called Brad or Ben, where she determines who was the better boyfriend between the sheets.
Apparently, she was very much in love with everything Brad did, but Ben was ‘technically excellent’. We’re not sure if that’s a compliment or not.
While we can’t deny there’s a part of us that’s loving listening to Gwen spill the tea, has she gone a little too far?
Is it really okay to download to a friend – or even a new partner – about sex with your ex?
Emma Spiegler, a love, relationship and sexuality coach from Zoe Clews and Associates notes that there can be some benefits in discussing past flames with a new love. She says that sharing details about your sexual history can be liberating, cathartic. and build trust.
At first, Emma says to focus on the things you’d like to change from previous encounters.
‘It’s about sharing the negatives rather than the positives,’ she says. ‘Anything you found triggering, unpleasant or a turn-off that you don’t wish to experience again.
‘This is vital information to share sensitively with your partner and it’s healthy communication.’
And does she believes the same goes for sexual preferences?
‘It can feel intimidating,’ Emma warns. ‘But if you are not letting a new partner know what’s working for you, then how are they to know?’
‘Sharing in an open, honest and clear way about what works for you and what you are looking for in a relationship is setting the tone for a relationship with strong foundations of trust and emotional safety.’
While Gwyneth feels comfortable discussing sex from the past, Emma does explain that an overshare button may need to be curbed, as there may be potential downsides to sharing absolutely everything.
‘While it can be very tempting to share all the finer details with a person that we feel safe with, we need to be mindful of oversharing in an attempt to hotwire intimacy.
‘Even though you may feel that you are in that high chemistry stage with a new relationship, where you feel like you can talk about anything, emotional safety is always vital and you need to make sure you aren’t missing the person in front of you.
‘The truth is we just don’t know how someone will feel with all of that ex-sex intel later on down the line, especially if we have shared technicolour details of just how damn good that swinging-from-the-chandelier high-octane sexathon was with your previous lover!’
While communication is key, Emma says that there may be some details which could cause problems in the future.
‘What can feel like a joyous ‘let’s share everything’ turbo-bonding could well be an issue you struggle with later on, particularly with a partner who may find it difficult to cope with the ‘third person in the bedroom’ – aka the ghost of your ex!’
She also shares that sexual history can create visuals, which can often be hard to get out of a new partner’s head.
‘When we share sexual history, especially details, the visuals can be intrusive, especially during sex and the potential for the strength of those visuals is certainly more potent if they know the person.
She adds that it’s important to look at boundaries from both sides.
‘It’s important to respect people’s boundaries, many of us are capable of jealousy no matter how secure we are in ourselves. So if we are straying into ‘TMI’ and they let us know that, it’s vital to take that seriously.’
Another factor is discussing ex-sex with friends.
‘It’s important to know that you can trust this person as a friend,’ Emma notes.
‘Are they a safe harbour or are they likely to gossip and leak details back to your previous partners that could be hurtful?
‘It’s important to trust your gut and your knowledge of their confidentiality.’
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