CRAIG BROWN: How to juggle your hopes for the new year
3rd January 2023

CRAIG BROWN: How to juggle your hopes for the new year

YOU RESOLVE: To learn to juggle with five balls.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Juggling with three balls.

YOU GET: Exasperated when you drop the first ball, and decide to try again later in the year.

How to juggle your hopes for the new year

YOU RESOLVE: To stop procrastinating.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Thinking about stopping procrastinating.

YOU GET: Worried this might not be quite the right time to start thinking about stopping procrastinating. Or is it?

YOU RESOLVE: To deliver a bold plan to cut taxes and grow the economy.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Staying in power until the next General Election.

YOU GET: Booted out after just 44 days, saying: ‘I look forward to spending more time in my constituency.’

YOU RESOLVE: To write a series of novels that will bring you fame and fortune.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Writing one short novel which will be well received.

YOU GET: In a bit of daze after writing ‘Chapter One’ and vow to finish the rest after you’ve worked out a decent first paragraph.

YOU RESOLVE: To be a lot more sunny and outgoing.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being slightly more friendly.

YOU GET: Surprised when your hairdresser says: ‘Had a good Christmas?’ and you reply, ‘Could have been worse’.

YOU RESOLVE: To be more positive.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Not being quite so negative.

YOU GET: Irritated by Gregg Wallace and his grin, ‘See It, Say It, Sorted’, Harry and Meghan, the fat man with the twirly moustache who sings ‘Go Compare’; Lucy Worsley, ‘You Are Being Held in a Queue’, the entire Beckham family, Sandi Toksvig, bus replacement services, Ken Bruce, reporters on TV who start their reports with the words ‘So’ or ‘Well’, interviewees on the Today programme who call the presenters by their first names, the self-regarding beardie on Bake Off, Lord Sugar and leaf-blowing machines.

YOU RESOLVE: To watch the seven-and-a-half hour Russian film version of War And Peace.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Watching the English TV version of War And Peace.

YOU GET: Glued to Come Dine With Me, series nine on catch-up, and then go straight into series ten.

YOU RESOLVE: To learn to salsa.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Learning to twist.

YOU GET: A sharp pain in your back five minutes into your first class, followed, in quick succession, by a cricked neck and a slightly dizzy feeling, so decide to call it a day.

YOU RESOLVE: To boost your memory by learning a poem a day off by heart.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Remembering where you left your car key.

YOU GET: Half-way up the stairs and can’t remember if you were going up or coming down, and if you were going up, what you were going up for, and if you were coming down, what you were coming down for.

YOU RESOLVE: To be more childlike.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being more childish.

YOU GET: Into a strop when you don’t get your own way, throw all your toys off the table and burst into tears.

YOU RESOLVE: To give the public a chance to see who you really are.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Giving the public a chance to hear your views on an important topic that’s close to your heart.

YOU GET: To eat a kangaroo’s penis while being squirted with liquidised wombat while rats crawl around you in an underground coffin.

YOU RESOLVE: To be the wealthiest, most envied man on the planet.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Being one of the richest, most envied people in America.

YOU GET: To buy Twitter by mistake, lose $4 million a day, and become an international laughing stock.

YOU RESOLVE: To go on the 5:2 diet.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Going on the 6:1 diet.

YOU GET: To stay on the 7:0 diet.

YOU RESOLVE: To watch All Quiet On The Western Front.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Watching 1917.

YOU GET: Hooked on Carry On Up The Khyber.

YOU RESOLVE: To greet each day in the lotus position, chanting ‘Om’.

YOU’D SETTLE FOR: Ten press-ups followed by a small bowl of muesli with oat milk.

YOU GET: Into the habit of watching Good Morning Britain over a large bowl of Frosties and a bacon sandwich with a cappuccino.

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